An air of New Age tranquillity will descend on a West London suburb this weekend.
As stressed drivers sit in traffic jams on the Hammersmith flyover, women in yoga pants and organic cotton frocks will waft to a riverside “sanctuary of reflection” to open their chakras and nourish their souls.
With the help of Proactive Thinkers and Paradigm-Shifters they will learn how to achieve the optimal versions of themselves.
Clutching healing crystals and sipping Real Water (which hasn’t been damaged by negative energy), they’ll be taught how to breathe, conquer burnout, and eliminate fear by increasing love.
But the highlight of this £1,000-a-day journey will be an audience with the High Priestess of Psychobabble herself.
Because Gwyneth Paltrow and her bizarre therapy bandwagon are rolling into town, hosting their first “immersive wellness summit” in the capital.
Gwyneth, 46, founded lifestyle brand Goop in 2008, and her groupies – or Goopies – can’t wait to meet the Wellness Wizards and gurus for the gullible.
Goop, now a £200million company, has been widely criticised for promoting pseudo-science and quackery.
So what can the Goopies expect from this celebration of all things wacky?
Empty wallets for a start. A weekend summit pass costs £2,500 – or £4,500 if you want a fancy hotel stay and a VIP workout with Gwyneth.
Here’s a sneak peek at what’s on offer at this loopy Goopy weekend.
A Goop store opened in Notting Hill last year and a “signature pop-up shop” at the summit will flog the extortionately priced clothing, homewear, beauty products, cook books and, err, sex toys.
How about a pair of pants for £136, Psychic Vampire Repellant spray, or the £145 “Vesper Vibrator Necklace”.
Gwyneth, who “consciously uncoupled” from Chris Martin in 2014 and is now married to Brad Falchuck, has hailed the benefits of vaginal steaming, weeing in the shower and bee-sting facials.
But a California court fined Goop £115,000 over unproven claims about its quartz vaginal eggs. Women were urged to insert them in their privates to “balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, prevent uterine prolapse, and increase bladder control”.
Goop settled the case but admitted no wrongdoing, saying no customers had complained.
There will be“restorative workshops and classes for the spirit, body and mind” as well as masterclasses from skincare experts.
They include German aesthetics doctor, Barbara Sturm, hailed for “rejuvenating the skin matrix”. She pioneered the “vampire facial”, using a patient’s own blood mixed with hyaluronic acid to deliver a youthful glow. Fans include Kim Kardashian and Victoria Beckham.
Nigma Talib, a “world-renowned naturopathic doctor” will give a talk on reversing the signs of ageing, and a facialist will offer “bespoke massages to lift, depuff, soften dark circles and hyperpigmentation”.
Goopies can have light-therapy or “take their faces to the gym” for a workout.
The post-summit credit card bill promises to exercise the eyebrows and slacken the jaw line.
All in the mind
If your soul needs nurturing there’s plenty of mindfulness and head-healing to be had. Fiona Arrigo, described as a “biodynamic psychologist” and “profoundly intuitive healer”, will be holding “paradigm-shifting talks” on conquering burnout.
Barry Michels, a psychotherapist and bestselling author of The Tools and Coming Alive, will teach Goopies how to replace negative energy “with an ongoing sense that there’s something greater”. Probably the credit card bill again.
Cornelius O’Shaughnessy, a meditation and Eastern philosophy expert, will hold sessions on “the art of letting go” and finding “your natural state”.
Celebrity exercise guru Tracy Anderson, who trains Madonna and Jennifer Aniston, will be holding a series of workouts.
There will be plenty of yoga. Melody Hekmat, a Jivamukti yoga teacher, will also “create a space” for people to “feel inspired, nurtured, and uplifted”.
There will be talks from nutritionists, integrative medicine specialists and food writers too.
At previous summits a stand offering vitamin B12 injections attracted long queues of those keen to drop their yoga pants for a shot in the bum.
There will be advice on how to “eat yourself pregnant” from Zita West.
Goop fans LOVE a crystal, and there will be plenty on sale at the venue – a riverside wellness sanctuary called Re:Centre in Hammersmith.
Estelle Bingham, a crystal healer and psychic, will also be helping guests “embody their true joy”. And conscious breathing guru Stuart Sandeman will be assisting people wanting to “break negative habits, beliefs and patterns”.
For Goop fanatics, there is, of course, only one therapy guaranteed to bring them calm and happiness – an audience with GP herself.
The Shakespeare in Love actress will be hosting a series of panels and talks in the Chat Room. She will quiz Twiggy about her fashion range and talk to a tech entrepreneur, human rights journalist and environmental campaigner.
One overwhelmed Goopy at a summit in LA said Gwyneth “glows like a radioactive swan – she emits light. If only they could bottle it”.
By next year they will have – and be flogging it alongside the Psychic Vampire Repellant.
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