I did swinging to please my man but I draw the line at threesome with gay man

DEAR DEIDRE: I LOVE my partner and even did the swinging thing to please him, but now I’m not sure I want to fight for our relationship.

We have been together for six years and always had a very sexual relationship, having sex two or three times a day. I am a woman of 36 and he is 42, with a very high sex drive.


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I didn’t always want sex as often as he did but it made me feel very wanted and appreciated.

We had been together for 18 months or so when he said he wanted to try swinging. I wasn’t keen at first but he didn’t stop going on about it and I wanted to be a good girlfriend.

In the end I agreed and we went to a swinging club. It wasn’t as glamorous as I’d expected but the couples we got involved with were good fun and my partner would always say I was by far the hottest woman there, which made me feel good.

I wasn’t crazy about it, though. We’d gone off it a bit even before the pandemic arrived and they stopped the club for a while.

It was usually the same faces (and bodies) week after week, so it stopped feeling so exciting.

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Now my partner is saying he wants to arrange a special threesome just for us, with a gay or transgender man. He says he’s not gay or bi. So what's it about?

All his talk about it has put me off sex completely. Now he is calling me frigid but I’m just not getting turned on any more.

The episode has brought up a lot of negative feelings for me. My partner says I’m lucky, as he loves me very much and most women would love a relationship like ours.

But I feel confused and don’t know what to do.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your partner is kidding himself if he believes most women would like a relationship like that. Most women would run a mile.

Our sexuality is usually on a spectrum. Your partner might not define himself as gay or bi but these urges are in his sexual make-up – or there is no way he would be pushing this agenda. It could be pushing every boundary has had the effect of blunting his sexual responses, so he feels the need for increasingly extreme stimulation.

Whatever is true for him, you must be true to your own instincts. You have already discovered your partner pressurising you is shutting down your sex drive. Don’t have a threesome you don’t really want (and which, of course, risks transmitting Covid-19).

My e-leaflet on Bisexual Issues could help you two talk this over.

But your best path to rekindling your relationship is to build up from the basics and go back to touching and kissing one another. My e-leaflet Sex Play Therapy explains.

NEXT IN TODAY'S DEAR DEIDRE I can’t get an erection with the girl I fancy – it's never happened before

READ DEIDRE'S CLASSIC PHOTO CASEBOOK Nick stays with a mate whose girlfriend fancies him

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