Seagulling: The dating trend where you claim someone even if you don't want them

We’ve had a year of quaranflings and breakups, and we’re now coming into hot girl summer.

It should be a time of new beginnings and new relationships. But, of course, pesky feelings sometimes get in the way of all of that civility.

We’re predicting this will actually be the summer of seagulling, a term we’ve created here at Metro.co.uk to refer to when we act like those greedy birds in Finding Nemo.

‘Mine! Mine! Mine!’ the fictional gulls hollered to claim fish as their own, even when they already had mouthfuls of food to satiate them. To those seagulls, it didn’t matter if they were actually hungry, just that they could say something was theirs.

This regularly happens in relationships, as the old adage of ‘you don’t want them but you don’t want anyone else to have them’ explains.

Whether they’re still harbouring feelings or not, the seaguller’s need to claim someone can manifest in them leading that person on or keeping them on the back burner (aka benching) – no matter the emotional cost.

When you mix in the complicated feelings of loneliness and ‘lost time’ that came with the pandemic, there’s a lot of potential for petty and possessive behaviour to surface.

Tess Leigh-Phillips of Your Happy Heart Coach says: ‘The emotional turmoil of the pandemic means relationships have formed under pressured circumstances, loneliness has become more prevalent than ever, everything has been heightened.

‘Now we can see the light at the end of the tunnel many of these relationships will lose intensity, and fall away, in the light of a Covid and lockdown free future.’

Why do we want to be with someone we know we’re not compatible with, or keep things going even if there’s no spark?

According to Charisse Cooke, Online Relationship Expert: ‘It’s called anxious attachment.

‘As the name suggests, some people can experience a lot of anxiety around sex and love and can have difficulty stepping away from relationships, often feeling preoccupied with them for a long time after they have ended.’

Those who, according to attachment theory, fall into the anxious category fear abandonment and often become clingy as a result; scared of the enormity of intimacy but desperate to be loved.

Charisse says: ‘As humans we aren’t great at loss. When someone moves in and out of our life, that is a loss however great or small. The thought of that person being with someone else might provoke surprisingly powerful feelings in us because it brings home the fact that we’ve just lost someone, and they’ll be sharing their lives – and bed – with someone else.’

That person you had a situationship with between lockdowns last year? While you may have mutually concluded it wasn’t the right fit, you have to avoid going into full seagull mode just so you’re not alone.

You have to ensure you’re not living your life to be with someone else, and see a relationship as a partnership rather than just the opposite of being single.

‘The trick is to reconnect with yourself, and reconnect with the world outside of your old relationship (yep there is one!),’ says Tess.

‘Don’t tell yourself you have broken up. Change your language – the relationship has expired. It is an experience that has reached its natural end. You must accept fully that you don’t own anybody but yourself.’

Meditation, reading, speaking with friends, and other self-care activities should help you avoid becoming a seagull. But Tess adds that you should seek professional help if these negative feelings are becoming overwhelming.

She says: ‘You must fully decide you no longer want to harm yourself or others, and bring your focus back to the only thing you can control – you.

‘Circling jealously in the manner of a seagull is ultimately destructive for all involved (and it will make you dizzy!) Let your ex fly free, and make space in your life for someone new.’

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they’re unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost – meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you’re always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you’re doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone’s Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their ‘orbit’ after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating – laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the ‘delivered’ and ‘read’ signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don’t have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you’re the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you’re really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you’re dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine’s Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

 

Do you have a story you’d like to share?

Get in touch at MetroLifestyl[email protected]

Rush Hour Crush – love (well, lust) is all around us

Visit Metro’s Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm.

Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.

Source: Read Full Article